More random thoughts

1. I miss my daughter
2. When we talked this morning she started to cheer when I said we would pick her up in two days
3. My heart just melted
4. I feel fine, Or not, Depends
5. Therapy is very… therapeutic…
6. It seems to teach me to stop and look at me
7. A real careful look at my soul
8. And see the things I’ve been putting away
9. She still loves me, This is incredible to me
10. But she still loves him too, Weird
11. I’m less moody, less fatalistic
12. I’m more me, But I don’t know who I am
13. I mean the real me, not the one created through the image others have from me and they reflect to me
14. I am more aware of what I feel, That I actually feel something else than pain and disappointment
15. I have lost a friend recently… it hurts
16. But I’m making a new friend… it is elating
17. I want to go to the chocolate bar in Antwerp, It looks yummie!
18. Life isn’t too bad for me now, I own my life and make it, I make my choices and try not to complain
19. It’s not always easy…
20. But I’ll get there some day, hopefully before I turn 40
21. Thanks for reading me

Random thoughts

One could say there is nothing much going on in my life but

1. We moved to a new place 4 weeks ago
2. We unpacked
3. We gave a new bed to our daughter
4. My wife started her internship
5. I stopped teaching as my modules are finished
6. I’m starting therapy… again
7. I’m looking for new ways to get of the house more
8. I feel bored
9. My marriage is still a mess
10. Some people are convinced I’m autistic
11. I’m not quite sure how to deal with this
12. Hence the therapy…
13. Next to working and taking care of my family, I lead a very quiet life
14. Or is it a boring life?
15. I read blogs everyday but I’m too lazy to write on my own blog
16. Or is this because I think I have a boring life?
17. How do people with children and marriage troubles get an exciting life?
18. I scheduled three weeks of holidays in the summer.
19. But I don’t know what to do with them
20. My God, my life is boring!
21. Or isn’t it?

What do you think?

RIP

On January 23 a young man entered a day care facility for children younger than 3… We will never know what he was thinking or how terrible those 10 minutes were for everyone who was there. Two children, who hadn’t reached their first birthday and one of the carers, who had been working there for 35 years and who tried to safe the children, were stabbed and died on the premises. Other children got badly stabbed as their carers… One week later the dramatic count stops at 3 dead and 15 wounded.

The psychological wounds are uncountable: the children who can’t even talk about it as they’re too small, the carers, the parents, the policemen, the doctors and nurses…

My heart goes to them and to the parents of the agressor who was caught a few hours later. This is a nightmare for everyone.

I was happy to hold my little one a few hours later. In a very egoistic reaction, I’m relieved it happened somewhere else, but I’m saddened that it happened, and I hope I’ll be able to find some way to give this a place in my heart.

RIP dear children and M., RIP dear parents, all of you. RIP everyone. And when hou have found some peace, try to make a better world, even if it’s only one our a week… If everyone would spend one hour of his or her time doing something for someone else, then the world would be a better place for everyone.

R.I.P.

Thank God, he’s gone!

Go read your books Bush, preferably in some remote bush, in some remote place in the universe where we can’t hear you, see you or smell you… We are not interested in what you have to say… We had to listen to you for eight years and see where it got us! No! Just go and leave us alone!

I’m a huge fan of Obama althought I fear he’ll have to disappoint us at some point. He’s not Superman or Spiderman or Batman or any of those classic American hero’s. But he’s a man who has shown more integrity than his predecessors and who gives a message of hope. I really hope he’ll have the space to do what has to be done, even when it will have to hurt. His first actions look very promising, I hope he’ll continue in this new direction.

A thing that strikes me is the humility and humanity that he shows when speaking to the public. He doesn’t sit on an ivory tower, far from the people. It might have been a PR stunt, but I rather believe that the day before he became the 44th president of the USA, he genuinely offered his services as a volunteer to keep in touch with us, normal mortals.

His life has changed radically and ours might too, if he shows us a path of diplomacy, peace, humility, humanity and -allow me to be very sentimental- love… The loving and proud look on his wife’s face, standing next to him during his vow, was, to me, the most beautiful moment of a beautiful race.

May God and all non-deities that populate your Oval Office be with you. Good luck, Barack Hussein Obama.

A message full of hope for 2009

I’ve had bad years, I’ve had good years
2008 is classified as a bad year, 2007 and 2006 too…
2009 is the year of the bull – and I’m a bull according to Chinese astrologists…

So, I look to 2009 with hopeful eyes, an open heart and a messy mind.

What makes you happy? Your answer is my wish to you.

Life can be sweet

So, our house is sold! Yeah! We found an appartment… small but charming… So, the following weeks will be weeks of packing, painting, deciding what to keep and what to throw away… Moving…

I feel happy, even if my marriage situation is not completely solved and insecurity remains… I decided to stop moaning and enjoy all the little things and gifts I receive every day. Carpe diem!

I leave you with some wisdom: We teach our children what we’ve learned. They teach us what we’ve forgotten: simplicity, generosity, spontaneity, honesty and amazement.

Winning and losing 2

After two weeks of thorough stress we finally managed to sell our house, we signed the papers yesterday. And my wife finished her exams today.

So we should be less stressed, relieved and grateful. Somehow it doesn’t seem to work. Maybe because we don’t feel like winners, we wanted to sell, but not whole heartedly, it is a must, nothing else, just to escape debts…

Dreams seem to be shattered, time for a new dream… I just don’t seem to find the energy to act upon the sentence “Yes, we can!”…

Maybe after the weekend…

Winning and losing

We thought our house was sold… but in the end they withdrew their offer… I must say this really hurt us many more times than a lot of other events the past months. The moment they said they would buy our house we just exploded in happiness. All the stress we had felt during this past year melted like snow in front of the sun. We just felt close to each other, relieved, a new future.

And than the disastrous call: we want to lower our offer or we won’t do it… We can’t afford to lower the price anymore.

Since we got those news, we just crumbled… we sleep badly, we snap at each other, we have several health complaints (colds, cramps, fever, headache). This was just the final upper cut. We don’t believe in our chances any more.

Winning or losing? It feels like losing, losing, losing, losing. Like those people who get beaten and every time they stumble to their feet someone else knocks them down.

I will survive and arise like a phoenix, I know it, that’s who I am. But right now, I feel beaten, tired and sad.

R.I.P.

She was 9 years old
She had an odd character
One day she would purr and keep you awake
The following day she would growl at you like a dog

She used to be a beautiful, healthy being
But she was ill and getting worse
And she was suffering
We sent her to a better place
Next to the moon and the stars

Rest in peace Scritch, our beloved cat

I believe

“To know each other doesn’t mean we know everything about each other, it means we confidently believe in each other.”

Do you believe in miracles? I do… Or maybe I’m just too blind, too confident, too naïve… My wife broke down and returned to me… For now… To stay? I don’t know, I don’t care, today is here, tomorrow is still far away and out of my reach to control… I’m strong and confident, however things go… If she goes (when she goes?) I’ll certainly break down but I will survive and live my life. If she stays I will still live my life and will stand my ground more than I used to and I will draw limits more than I used to.  And this will make me a better person, mindfull, full, one to love, by my wife or someone else…

I believe in miracles, whatever you think…