While watching the movie “Invictus” about Nelson Mandela’s conviction that rugby would reunite South Africa, this poem from William Ernest Henley was quoted. According to the movie, this poem inspired Mandela during his years in prison and helped him to hang on in such terrible circumstances. Invictus is a latin word meaning unconquer, unconquerable, undefeated.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley

“What to say about the past decade?

It brought me new love, a daughter, a few jobs, laughter…
But also sadness, madness, anger, desillusions, tears…
I guess this applies to almost everyone…

What to say about the new decade?

I have no expectations or maybe, just maybe I don’t want to define any…
It doesn’t seem to work that way”

For some reason, at the time, probably around January 1st, I didn’t feel like going on. No idea why…

And then days, weeks, months passed… And today I feel like writing something.

Maybe on expectations: I don’t expect anything, not out of a pessimistic view on life. Expectations tend to be made on long term and I just want to live in this moment. I can expect a lot, but most of the time there is disappointment. So, I don’t expect anything, live in the moment and enjoy it.

And that’s what this not so new year and decade mean for me: live in the moment and enjoy it.

Ayer los dos soñabamos con un mundo perfecto
Ayer a nuestros labios les sobraban las palabras
Porque en los ojos nos espiabamos el alma
Y la verdad no vacilaba en tu mirada

Ayer nos prometimos conquistar el mundo entero
Ayer tù me juraste que ese amor seria eterno
Por que una vez equivocarse es suficiente
Para aprender lo que es amar sinceramente

Que hiciste? Hoy destruiste con tu orgullo la esperanza
Hoy empañaste con tu furia mi mirada
Borraste toda nuestra historia con tu rabia
Y confondiste tanto amor que te entregaba
Como permiso para asi romperme el alma

Que hiciste? Nos obligaste a destruir las madrugadas
Y nuestras noches las ahogaron tus palabras
Mis ilusiones acabaron con tus falsas
Se te olvido que era el amor lo que importaba
Y con tus manos derrumbaste nuestra casa

Mañana que amanezca un dia nuevo en mi universo
Mañana no veré tu nombre escrito entre mis versos
No escucharé palabras de arrepentimiento
Ignoraré sin pena tu remordimiento

Mañana olvidaré que ayer yo tu fui tu fiel amante
Mañana ni siquiera habra razones para odiarte
Yo borraré todos tus sueños de mis sueños
Que el viento arrastre para siempre tus recuerdos

Que hiciste? Hoy destruiste con tu orgullo la esperanza
Hoy empañaste con tu furia mi mirada
Borraste toda nuestra historia con tu rabia
Y confondiste tanto amor que te entregaba
Como permiso para si romperme el alma

Que hiciste? Nos obligaste a destruir las madrugadas
Y nuestras noches las ahogaron tus palabras

Mis ilusiones acabaron con tus farsas
Se te olvido que era el amor lo que importaba
Y con tus manos derrumbaste nuestra casa

Y confundiste tanto amor que te entrebaga
Como permiso para asi romperme el alma

Que hiciste? Nos obligaste a destruir las madrugadas
Y nuestras noches las ahogararon tus palabras
Mis ilusiones acabaron con tus farsas
Se te olvido que era el amor lo que importaba
Y con tus manos derrumbaste nuestra casa

It happened to me even before I knew the word and not that long ago… It’s how I found out a dear friend stopped being my friend… I explained this in previous entries, so I’m not going to repeat it… But when I saw this in the newspaper I just thought how easy it is to name such a word “word of the year” and how painful it is when it occurs to someone…

But I turned the page… so, I’m moving on, with or without my friends…

And then I read these words on a friend’s blog: “You live, you learn. But you don’t change who you are. People are people and we know by now that most of the time, they prefer to project their own reality onto others.”

And I realised I’m fed up trying to change myself and/or my behavior to please the world…

For my own good, I’ll try to stop justifying my actions, feelings and thoughts. And secondly,  before I start telling something, I’ll just stop to think whether what I have to tell is of any interest for the other person. If not, I’ll listen instead… If that’s not good enough for others, tough luck, it’s good enough for me…

I am who I am, and I’m not a bad person…

About 8 years ago an old friend sent me a letter telling me I had been too self-centered and too focused on my own issues… I didn’t take into account her own situation. She felt it was a one way relation. That letter meant the end of our friendship… I still regret it… I didn’t get the chance to react or defend myself. We bump into each other once in a while, but apart from “Hi, how are you”, “Fine and you”, “Fine”… There’s no room left for friendship…

I once did something similar. I was in love with a girl and couldn’t handle the rejection. She was my first love… We tried to remain friends after I confessed my feelings to her. She didn’t take it too badly, but I noticed a change and I also noticed I couldn’t handle her choice for someone else. So, in order to protect myself and to heal, I sent her a letter explaining how I felt and why I was asking her to stay away… She did, until we met again, 3 years later. She had moved on, I was healed, we missed our friendship, so we talked, apoligized for past behaviour and moved on… All very mature…

Time passed by, we both switched jobs, moved to a different city… And I noticed we were having difficulties staying in touch. Neither of us likes to talk on the phone for hours, we’re not great e-mailers… There’s a lack of time to see each other regularly… Facebook seemed to help and when something unusual would happen, we would use other means of communication. I missed our not so regular dates, but I didn’t push to have one… Not my style…

And then I noticed I couldn’t see her FB messages anymore, and a friend we have in common told me she actually was mad at me… She wouldn’t tell me why, except she thought I had forgotten her birthday (not true!). So, I tried to contact her to find out what was going on… After two weeks of silence, I got a short mail telling me things had changed… She’s fed up with selfishness and doesn’t appreciate my self-centered attitude… This happened 3 days ago, and I’m baffled, hurt and extremely sad… I took time to react, in order to avoid an over-emotional reaction… But I think it’s a lost cause…

Another friend has had the same reaction a few months ago and yet another one has told me once  I tend to be a reactive friend instead of proactive, which means I rarely take the first step in contacting someone and just wait until someone sends me a mail or calls me or whatever…

All these things added up make me wonder what kind of a friend I am… I’ve always assumed that I’m a good friend who is always there for friends who need me. But the signs tell me otherwise…

Am I a social handicapped person who doesn’t know how to keep relationships alive? Is that why some friends run away? Or why my wife looks for happiness in someone else’s arms?

On the other hand, I still have very old friends, who I’ve known for more that 20 years… OK, they literally live across the ocean, but we still keep in touch and listen to each other. And I have friends living closer by who don’t seem to be planning desertion… And also new friends who seem to appreciate me…

Is it just this thing about friends coming and going, or is it something about me? And I mainly wonder what friendship means… Is it another of those things you should discuss with your friends to make sure there are no misunderstandings… Philosophically? Why make things so complicated? Is this a girl thing? Girls like to complicate things… Or not?

Friendship Road is a weird place. You choose your friends, but they don’t always choose you… And I just want to be a good friend…

I admit I’m less fond of the wind and rain, but hey, you can’t have it all. And I almost forgot: beware of nut trees, they might hurt you now when a nut can’t resist Newton’s gravity laws…

And there’s always a way of escaping the darker and colder days: hot coco, candle light, a nice book or a good movie, a warm blancket wrapped around my legs…

Then my soul gets as colourful as the leaves… Even when everyone is mourning over the lost summer, I just close my ears to all the people who can’t see how beautiful nature is en enjoy it all by myself… Which reminds me of a song, but that’s another story…

We’ve got new kittens, two males, of course my mother had to comment on that… According to her they’ll kill each other once they grow up…

New school year: our little one was beaten from her first day at school… Poor little thing…

Working hard to get my new school year started… Lots to do… It’s not only the students who have to work hard, teachers too…

Not energetised from my one week vacation: planned to much, did everything and didn’t rest… I should know better…

Marriage: well, it is what it is… a marriage with all its ups-and-downs… At least these have stabilised over the last year… The ups are not that high any more (which is a pity) and the downs are not that low anymore (which I’m grateful for)…

So, nothing much to write about, I don’t feel philosophical enough… So, I’ll leave you to it…