NARVEC

Very unwillingly and unwanted, but inevitable, I became a member of the NARVEC, aka National Reserve of Victims of the Economical Crisis.

A team meeting turned into a nightmare when I was told that my current function would disappear.

My belief in astrology is being tested, heavily… This should have been my month and my year, according to our western horoscope and to the chinese one… I somehow feel betrayed…

But then again I’m trying to be strong and to look into the future with confidence.

I hope that at the end of the road of this rocky year I’ll be able to look behind me and see this disaster as an opportunity…

For now I’ll just join the NARVEC and make the best out of it. I know one thing for sure: I’m not alone…

Swine flu

I’m worried, because my father and a few very dear friends of mine live  in Mexico City…

One should wonder why such inluenza outbreaks always seem to occur in big, overpopulated city. In this view I find this article very interesting. I never though about this before and now I’m interested to read more on the subject.

I dreamed of you last night

I’m having weird dreams and I’m not used to it… They say everyone dreams but most of the time we forget our dreams. I’m really convinced I never dream, except once in a while, and then those dreams are really weird.

I once dreamed I was drowning… I woke up gasping for air. I remember that dream vividly… It has been over ten years, but I can still recall it and tell all the details…

The weirdest dreams are those that occur at the end of the night. If I wake up at some weird hour like 4 or 5 AM and I fall asleep again, I can be sure I’ll have the strangest, vividest dreams…

And I had one of those two nights ago… I dreamed that my mother was lying in the arms of one of my friends… And I was hugging my mother… It was a beautiful view. Somehow I was wondering what my mother was doing there, because if she wouldn’t be there… I would be lying in my friend’s arms… I felt so much longing…

And then I heard our daughter crying and woke up in a startle…

I always wonder how the dream would continue if I wouldn’t wake up… but that’s the curse… As I tend to start dreaming  just before the alarm clock starts singing, I never get the end of it…

All that remains is the memory of you in my dreams and that longing feeling…

How do I feel?

How do I really feel? How is my life? It’s hard to explain to outsiders, noone understands my/our choice.
My wife is still seeing her boyfriend. Do I like it? No! But I know that she loves us both like her own flesh, I know she falls apart every time she sees the pain she causes. She apologises for it. Most people who don’t know her say she should make up her mind, just chose… Well, that’s hard for her, because she knows that by chosing she’ll hurt the “loser” in such a way that he/she will have to go through hell… So, she can’t make up her mind.
 
We decided to leave the situation as it is until june 2010, the end of her studies. We’ll see from there on. She knows that I’m waiting patiently and lovingly for her, but not forever, I don’t want to keep my life on hold for the rest of my life.
 
In the meanwhile I’m going through my own process and evolution. I’m starting doing things for myself, like therapy and following a philosophy course. I’m trying to make new friends and to build a network around me, which I don’t have right now. I’m looking at myself, trying to find out what I really want, what my dream is. It’s hard and confronting, but it doesn’t make me unhappy.
 
I’m actually a much happier person than a year ago. I’m stronger too. Does it mean I’m not hurt? Of course not, but I’ve decided to stop whining and moaning and to make the best of it. Life is short, people come and go, and I don’t want to be the typical Belgian with his long, unhappy face…
 
So, I’m fine, really, my blog just shows the evolution I’m going through and it sounds nastier than it is…

More random thoughts

1. I miss my daughter
2. When we talked this morning she started to cheer when I said we would pick her up in two days
3. My heart just melted
4. I feel fine, Or not, Depends
5. Therapy is very… therapeutic…
6. It seems to teach me to stop and look at me
7. A real careful look at my soul
8. And see the things I’ve been putting away
9. She still loves me, This is incredible to me
10. But she still loves him too, Weird
11. I’m less moody, less fatalistic
12. I’m more me, But I don’t know who I am
13. I mean the real me, not the one created through the image others have from me and they reflect to me
14. I am more aware of what I feel, That I actually feel something else than pain and disappointment
15. I have lost a friend recently… it hurts
16. But I’m making a new friend… it is elating
17. I want to go to the chocolate bar in Antwerp, It looks yummie!
18. Life isn’t too bad for me now, I own my life and make it, I make my choices and try not to complain
19. It’s not always easy…
20. But I’ll get there some day, hopefully before I turn 40
21. Thanks for reading me

Random thoughts

One could say there is nothing much going on in my life but

1. We moved to a new place 4 weeks ago
2. We unpacked
3. We gave a new bed to our daughter
4. My wife started her internship
5. I stopped teaching as my modules are finished
6. I’m starting therapy… again
7. I’m looking for new ways to get of the house more
8. I feel bored
9. My marriage is still a mess
10. Some people are convinced I’m autistic
11. I’m not quite sure how to deal with this
12. Hence the therapy…
13. Next to working and taking care of my family, I lead a very quiet life
14. Or is it a boring life?
15. I read blogs everyday but I’m too lazy to write on my own blog
16. Or is this because I think I have a boring life?
17. How do people with children and marriage troubles get an exciting life?
18. I scheduled three weeks of holidays in the summer.
19. But I don’t know what to do with them
20. My God, my life is boring!
21. Or isn’t it?

What do you think?

RIP

On January 23 a young man entered a day care facility for children younger than 3… We will never know what he was thinking or how terrible those 10 minutes were for everyone who was there. Two children, who hadn’t reached their first birthday and one of the carers, who had been working there for 35 years and who tried to safe the children, were stabbed and died on the premises. Other children got badly stabbed as their carers… One week later the dramatic count stops at 3 dead and 15 wounded.

The psychological wounds are uncountable: the children who can’t even talk about it as they’re too small, the carers, the parents, the policemen, the doctors and nurses…

My heart goes to them and to the parents of the agressor who was caught a few hours later. This is a nightmare for everyone.

I was happy to hold my little one a few hours later. In a very egoistic reaction, I’m relieved it happened somewhere else, but I’m saddened that it happened, and I hope I’ll be able to find some way to give this a place in my heart.

RIP dear children and M., RIP dear parents, all of you. RIP everyone. And when hou have found some peace, try to make a better world, even if it’s only one our a week… If everyone would spend one hour of his or her time doing something for someone else, then the world would be a better place for everyone.

R.I.P.

Thank God, he’s gone!

Go read your books Bush, preferably in some remote bush, in some remote place in the universe where we can’t hear you, see you or smell you… We are not interested in what you have to say… We had to listen to you for eight years and see where it got us! No! Just go and leave us alone!

I’m a huge fan of Obama althought I fear he’ll have to disappoint us at some point. He’s not Superman or Spiderman or Batman or any of those classic American hero’s. But he’s a man who has shown more integrity than his predecessors and who gives a message of hope. I really hope he’ll have the space to do what has to be done, even when it will have to hurt. His first actions look very promising, I hope he’ll continue in this new direction.

A thing that strikes me is the humility and humanity that he shows when speaking to the public. He doesn’t sit on an ivory tower, far from the people. It might have been a PR stunt, but I rather believe that the day before he became the 44th president of the USA, he genuinely offered his services as a volunteer to keep in touch with us, normal mortals.

His life has changed radically and ours might too, if he shows us a path of diplomacy, peace, humility, humanity and -allow me to be very sentimental- love… The loving and proud look on his wife’s face, standing next to him during his vow, was, to me, the most beautiful moment of a beautiful race.

May God and all non-deities that populate your Oval Office be with you. Good luck, Barack Hussein Obama.

A message full of hope for 2009

I’ve had bad years, I’ve had good years
2008 is classified as a bad year, 2007 and 2006 too…
2009 is the year of the bull – and I’m a bull according to Chinese astrologists…

So, I look to 2009 with hopeful eyes, an open heart and a messy mind.

What makes you happy? Your answer is my wish to you.

Life can be sweet

So, our house is sold! Yeah! We found an appartment… small but charming… So, the following weeks will be weeks of packing, painting, deciding what to keep and what to throw away… Moving…

I feel happy, even if my marriage situation is not completely solved and insecurity remains… I decided to stop moaning and enjoy all the little things and gifts I receive every day. Carpe diem!

I leave you with some wisdom: We teach our children what we’ve learned. They teach us what we’ve forgotten: simplicity, generosity, spontaneity, honesty and amazement.