It’s been a bumpy road on Friendship Road lately…
About 8 years ago an old friend sent me a letter telling me I had been too self-centered and too focused on my own issues… I didn’t take into account her own situation. She felt it was a one way relation. That letter meant the end of our friendship… I still regret it… I didn’t get the chance to react or defend myself. We bump into each other once in a while, but apart from “Hi, how are you”, “Fine and you”, “Fine”… There’s no room left for friendship…
I once did something similar. I was in love with a girl and couldn’t handle the rejection. She was my first love… We tried to remain friends after I confessed my feelings to her. She didn’t take it too badly, but I noticed a change and I also noticed I couldn’t handle her choice for someone else. So, in order to protect myself and to heal, I sent her a letter explaining how I felt and why I was asking her to stay away… She did, until we met again, 3 years later. She had moved on, I was healed, we missed our friendship, so we talked, apoligized for past behaviour and moved on… All very mature…
Time passed by, we both switched jobs, moved to a different city… And I noticed we were having difficulties staying in touch. Neither of us likes to talk on the phone for hours, we’re not great e-mailers… There’s a lack of time to see each other regularly… Facebook seemed to help and when something unusual would happen, we would use other means of communication. I missed our not so regular dates, but I didn’t push to have one… Not my style…
And then I noticed I couldn’t see her FB messages anymore, and a friend we have in common told me she actually was mad at me… She wouldn’t tell me why, except she thought I had forgotten her birthday (not true!). So, I tried to contact her to find out what was going on… After two weeks of silence, I got a short mail telling me things had changed… She’s fed up with selfishness and doesn’t appreciate my self-centered attitude… This happened 3 days ago, and I’m baffled, hurt and extremely sad… I took time to react, in order to avoid an over-emotional reaction… But I think it’s a lost cause…
Another friend has had the same reaction a few months ago and yet another one has told me once I tend to be a reactive friend instead of proactive, which means I rarely take the first step in contacting someone and just wait until someone sends me a mail or calls me or whatever…
All these things added up make me wonder what kind of a friend I am… I’ve always assumed that I’m a good friend who is always there for friends who need me. But the signs tell me otherwise…
Am I a social handicapped person who doesn’t know how to keep relationships alive? Is that why some friends run away? Or why my wife looks for happiness in someone else’s arms?
On the other hand, I still have very old friends, who I’ve known for more that 20 years… OK, they literally live across the ocean, but we still keep in touch and listen to each other. And I have friends living closer by who don’t seem to be planning desertion… And also new friends who seem to appreciate me…
Is it just this thing about friends coming and going, or is it something about me? And I mainly wonder what friendship means… Is it another of those things you should discuss with your friends to make sure there are no misunderstandings… Philosophically? Why make things so complicated? Is this a girl thing? Girls like to complicate things… Or not?
Friendship Road is a weird place. You choose your friends, but they don’t always choose you… And I just want to be a good friend…
I am convinced that you have every intention to be a good friend and I know that if something bad should happen, I can count on you. But you are indeed very self-centered and have an attitude of moral superiority. There have been many times where, after we’ve spent some time together, I realised that you hadn’t even asked about me, my work, my hobbies, … nothing. Or you invite friends but you don’t receive them. Showing genuine interest in your friends, being more ‘friend-centered’, is one of the things that keeps friendships alive.
Sadly, I also know that it is a lost cause to talk/write to you about it. Either you start defending yourself, explaining why you did or said such and so, or you simply deny it. In both cases, I end up feeling neglected and nothing changes. So, to most people, that leaves only two options: they break up or they keep their distance.
Work in progress… Intentions are not good enough, I know that… Friendships should be uncomplicated…
I won’t defend myself, not after so many clear issues, and I can’t deny cause it hurts like hell… But that she doesn’t see anymore…
At least with you, I know where I stad, and I admire your courage to tell me in the face… At least I can make an effort from there on, whether it’s enough, only time will tell…
eh ben..tu arrives a un moment, l’age aide aussi, ou tu te poses de vraies questions..si plusieurs personnes te disent la meme chose, il faut reflechir. et si ca t’interesse vraiment, changer…
essayer de voir ce qui marche avec certaines personnes aussi. comment ca se fait que tu aies des amies de longue date? si tu es vraiment aussi mauvaise amie, tu serais seule. qu’est-ce qui fait qu’avec certaines tu agis d’une facon et avec d’autres non?. la distance physique? la duree de votre relation?le fait que les contacts soient limites?
reflechis, et si tu sens, car on a toujours une petite voix qui nous dit la verite, qu’il faut changer , fais-le.
ou si tu penses etre dans le droit chemin., alors…tu es peut-etre arrivee a un moment de la vie (l’age, je te dis), ou on a peu d’amis..tres peu. les autres, ce sont des copains.
quel que soit le cas, tu as du pain sur la planche..