How do I feel?

How do I really feel? How is my life? It’s hard to explain to outsiders, noone understands my/our choice.
My wife is still seeing her boyfriend. Do I like it? No! But I know that she loves us both like her own flesh, I know she falls apart every time she sees the pain she causes. She apologises for it. Most people who don’t know her say she should make up her mind, just chose… Well, that’s hard for her, because she knows that by chosing she’ll hurt the “loser” in such a way that he/she will have to go through hell… So, she can’t make up her mind.
 
We decided to leave the situation as it is until june 2010, the end of her studies. We’ll see from there on. She knows that I’m waiting patiently and lovingly for her, but not forever, I don’t want to keep my life on hold for the rest of my life.
 
In the meanwhile I’m going through my own process and evolution. I’m starting doing things for myself, like therapy and following a philosophy course. I’m trying to make new friends and to build a network around me, which I don’t have right now. I’m looking at myself, trying to find out what I really want, what my dream is. It’s hard and confronting, but it doesn’t make me unhappy.
 
I’m actually a much happier person than a year ago. I’m stronger too. Does it mean I’m not hurt? Of course not, but I’ve decided to stop whining and moaning and to make the best of it. Life is short, people come and go, and I don’t want to be the typical Belgian with his long, unhappy face…
 
So, I’m fine, really, my blog just shows the evolution I’m going through and it sounds nastier than it is…