I believe

“To know each other doesn’t mean we know everything about each other, it means we confidently believe in each other.”

Do you believe in miracles? I do… Or maybe I’m just too blind, too confident, too naïve… My wife broke down and returned to me… For now… To stay? I don’t know, I don’t care, today is here, tomorrow is still far away and out of my reach to control… I’m strong and confident, however things go… If she goes (when she goes?) I’ll certainly break down but I will survive and live my life. If she stays I will still live my life and will stand my ground more than I used to and I will draw limits more than I used to.  And this will make me a better person, mindfull, full, one to love, by my wife or someone else…

I believe in miracles, whatever you think…

Amen

It’s been a strange week…

First our little daughter started school for the first time… It was heart breaking for us to drop her in that big world, with unknown people, not knowing what she’ll do, how she’ll handle it and most important how she’ll be treated. The first two days were very hard on us. Then it became easier. She seems to enjoy although she still says she doesn’t like it and she’s tired like hell… But in the morning she just walks in with a big smile on her face… She’ll be fine, I’m sure… And we need to learn to let her go… Amen to that…

When I told my wife I didn’t want to continue anymore, she just broke down… She couldn’t cope, didn’t want me to go, didn’t want to have a life without me. I told her there was only one way: drop him. No more contact. I’m willing to continue my life with her, despite everything, but only if there is no reason to suspect her of anything. Otherwise I’m out and she knows it… Amen to that too…

Somehow, I feel strong, relieved, almost happy. I stand my ground. And that gives a pretty good feeling. Difficult times lay ahead, but not worse than what we’ve been through until today… And I’m stronger, more determinated. I will stand my ground. I deserve a better life and I will have a better life. Amen to that too…

Changes coming up

Last month I spent ten wonderful days with my mother in Spain. For the first time in ages I managed to let go, to relax, to sleep properly and to enjoy life how it should be enjoyed.

One day before returning I started feeling nervous about going back to the real, hard world. I knew where my wife had spent those ten days. I knew they had been great for her and I knew my return would be a decisive moment. We both hoped there would be a sprankle but there wasn’t. There was only insecurity,  deception, lack of trust… And there was love too, but insufficient…

We talked, again and again and again… At some point I made up my mind to stop this charade. I turned my heart into stone and decided to do what is best. Even if she would leave him, she would never have him fully out of the picture and that’s what we need if we want to continue this marriage.

So, the big word came out and that’s what is going to happen. Right now we just continue out of practical reasons. We just can’t afford to live seperately, but as soon as our house is sold, and I pray to everything and everyone it goes fast, we will file the divorce papers.

I will always wonder whether I did the right thing. Whether I should have tried trusting her, but I just can’t anymore. I love her but it’s not enough anymore. She might leave him but every single time she would meet him as friends, and that would probably happen often, I wouldn’t be able to trust them. And without trust you can’t have a marriage, right? Right?