Harder

She came back yesterday. She had a fight with The Other and, unfortunately, they made up… Oh well… At least it’s not all great between them… 

We are both strugling through our hormones. It might sound stupid but it’s the time of the month and we’re both more afraid, we feel more pain, we are more anguished. The good thing is we are able to talk about it and to communicate in a non-violent way. This is a huge relief. I feel more free to express myself and to tell her when I really feel crappy, like this morning, after another sleepless night. She used to get annoyed at me, because I wasn’t appreciating the fact she hadn’t left me. She looks differently at things now, she’s more centered. She’s giving me a chance to prove I’m worth to stay for. That’s different. I just wonder whether she realises I am also giving her a chance to prove she’s worth to stay for. I’m not the one seeing someone else. I made mistakes, but not on my own. Just a thought…

I still expect the worst and don’t dare to hope anything. I can’t afford another blow. I’m only human… Whenever I start hoping I also feel more afraid, more anguished. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for the worst, but at least I’ll have some preparation.

Today is harder than yesterday, but hormones only play a role a few days, it should get better, I’ll try to keep my head up… I’ll try to let optimism rule…