Smile

Things that make me smile:

My daughter
Friends when they don’t let me down
My wife when she’s in a good mood
Coca-Cola
Myself, when I pick up the phone for someone else and say the person’s name instead of my own name
The upcoming concert of Leonard Cohen in Antwerp
The upcoming Harry Potter movie

I could also write a post about the things that make me cry, but that would be too long and I don’t want to send negative vibes around me now that I need the positive ones very badly…

I’ll just mention one thing that makes me cry: this Friday, my last day at the office, it kills me to go…

Mad

I’m mad and lots of people know it, and this is the last time I’ll mention it, because writing it down just allows me to archive the feeling…

I’m mad because I got fired… But I’m even madder at those managers who pretend nothing happened but who avoid me all the same, as afraid of being confronted to their own stupidity…

I’m mad because people who were so called friends didn’t call me when they should have… I expected more of them…

I’m mad because my body is exausted and is letting me down… But I’m even madder because I haven’t listened enough to my own warning system…

I’m mad because my little one needs an operation, a mild one and current one, but still she shouldn’t need it…

I’m mad, but I won’t let this feeling take me down because I’m stronger than this feeling…

And when I’m not I know who I can call or write…

Insecurity

There is one security: there’s always insecurity…

You can’t be sure you’ll keep your job
You can’t be sure you’ll keep your love
You can’t be sure you’ll keep your health

I knew all of this and still lived as if everything was in security…

Then I lost my job
Then I shared my loved one
Then my health succumbed to the pressure

But I also know nothing is permanent, so

I’ll find a job
I’ll find my loved one
I’ll be healthy again

The path to this all seems to be very very long and feels very insecure. I can’t keep my smile every day, but I can try…  And I’ll succeed somehow…

I’m a fighter…

Before and after

There’s a before and an after
Before getting fired and after getting fired
Before being betrayed and after being betrayed
Before knowing and after knowing
Before signing the letter and after signing the letter

Right now I yearn for before…
And hope for a better after…

NARVEC

Very unwillingly and unwanted, but inevitable, I became a member of the NARVEC, aka National Reserve of Victims of the Economical Crisis.

A team meeting turned into a nightmare when I was told that my current function would disappear.

My belief in astrology is being tested, heavily… This should have been my month and my year, according to our western horoscope and to the chinese one… I somehow feel betrayed…

But then again I’m trying to be strong and to look into the future with confidence.

I hope that at the end of the road of this rocky year I’ll be able to look behind me and see this disaster as an opportunity…

For now I’ll just join the NARVEC and make the best out of it. I know one thing for sure: I’m not alone…

Swine flu

I’m worried, because my father and a few very dear friends of mine live  in Mexico City…

One should wonder why such inluenza outbreaks always seem to occur in big, overpopulated city. In this view I find this article very interesting. I never though about this before and now I’m interested to read more on the subject.

Antwerp goes wild!

Sometimes I’m ashamed of my city, its chauvinism, ethnocentrism, terrible dialect…

But the buildings, the zoo, the port, the Cathedral… They make me proud… This is a video taped a few weeks ago as a promotion stunt for a new tv show. It was fully taped in our “Centraal Station”, one the biggest and most beautiful railway stations in Europe.

Enjoy!

Le Facteur (Georges Moustaki)

A song that moves me in the deepest parts of my soul…

I dreamed of you last night

I’m having weird dreams and I’m not used to it… They say everyone dreams but most of the time we forget our dreams. I’m really convinced I never dream, except once in a while, and then those dreams are really weird.

I once dreamed I was drowning… I woke up gasping for air. I remember that dream vividly… It has been over ten years, but I can still recall it and tell all the details…

The weirdest dreams are those that occur at the end of the night. If I wake up at some weird hour like 4 or 5 AM and I fall asleep again, I can be sure I’ll have the strangest, vividest dreams…

And I had one of those two nights ago… I dreamed that my mother was lying in the arms of one of my friends… And I was hugging my mother… It was a beautiful view. Somehow I was wondering what my mother was doing there, because if she wouldn’t be there… I would be lying in my friend’s arms… I felt so much longing…

And then I heard our daughter crying and woke up in a startle…

I always wonder how the dream would continue if I wouldn’t wake up… but that’s the curse… As I tend to start dreaming  just before the alarm clock starts singing, I never get the end of it…

All that remains is the memory of you in my dreams and that longing feeling…

How do I feel?

How do I really feel? How is my life? It’s hard to explain to outsiders, noone understands my/our choice.
My wife is still seeing her boyfriend. Do I like it? No! But I know that she loves us both like her own flesh, I know she falls apart every time she sees the pain she causes. She apologises for it. Most people who don’t know her say she should make up her mind, just chose… Well, that’s hard for her, because she knows that by chosing she’ll hurt the “loser” in such a way that he/she will have to go through hell… So, she can’t make up her mind.
 
We decided to leave the situation as it is until june 2010, the end of her studies. We’ll see from there on. She knows that I’m waiting patiently and lovingly for her, but not forever, I don’t want to keep my life on hold for the rest of my life.
 
In the meanwhile I’m going through my own process and evolution. I’m starting doing things for myself, like therapy and following a philosophy course. I’m trying to make new friends and to build a network around me, which I don’t have right now. I’m looking at myself, trying to find out what I really want, what my dream is. It’s hard and confronting, but it doesn’t make me unhappy.
 
I’m actually a much happier person than a year ago. I’m stronger too. Does it mean I’m not hurt? Of course not, but I’ve decided to stop whining and moaning and to make the best of it. Life is short, people come and go, and I don’t want to be the typical Belgian with his long, unhappy face…
 
So, I’m fine, really, my blog just shows the evolution I’m going through and it sounds nastier than it is…